Supporting Someone Through A Depressive Episode
When someone we know or love is going through a hard time with a depressive episode, we often feel helpless or don’t know what we can do to help them. Depression isn’t simply being stuck in a bad mood - it’s a whole constellation of forces at work. It’s not as simple as one thing to magically make it disappear. And, when you expect someone to ‘snap out of it’, that illustrates that you don’t get it or understand what they are going through. For someone who is feeling disconnected and out of touch with themselves, they need presence and support.
HERE’S A FEW TIPS AND QUESTIONS YOU CAN ASK THEM:
Remember, to avoid offering advice, unless they ask for it. Most people just need to feel heard and have someone to talk openly too. They aren’t looking for help, as much as they are desiring to be understood and seen. Don’t tell them to be strong, or to stay positive - in fact - just avoid telling them how to feel.
Hold back on judgement. Try to focus on things from their perspective. And, if their way of seeing things is different than yours, validate that how they feel really matters to you. Reflect with them that you hadn’t seen it from that perspective before. Let them control the conversation and try to be the passenger, not the driver of the time you are sharing.
Use open ended questions. Try to avoid questions that can have a yes or no answer. (Like are you ok?). This helps people open up about things.
Try some of these:
Was this what it was like last time you were depressed? Most people won’t answer this question with “yes, it was exactly the same”. By asking this question, it will help them encounter a sense of nuance and, by expressing it to you, it will give you a good understanding how they are feeling right now. We are just looking to understand them - not fix them.
What would you do if you had more energy? Being in the depressive episode, isn’t because they is not about not knowing how to get out of it or being under-informed. People are smart and they are objective in their minds about feeling better. It’s about feeling under energized. They know that going for a walk, or having a nutrias meal would help them feel better, but they just can’t do it. That’s why it feels like being stuck, because they are under energized.
What did you do to get out of the last depressive episode? This is a reminder to them that they have gotten themselves out of an episode before. And it helps them recall what they did to do that.
Ask them what they need. Sometimes they just need your presences, other times just the distraction of a conversation or maybe a hug. Asking them allows them to think about their needs and what they might be missing.
Being with someone who is suffering, might feel really uncomfortable for you. Be willing to be uncomfortable, worried, sad or helpless. It’s okay to say ‘I don’t know what to say’ or ‘I don’t have any answers, I’m just here to support you’. You can’t love someone out of a depressive episode. But, what you can do is help them to feel connected to you. In doing so, when they do have a little more energy or feel they’ve turned a corner they will remember how you were there for them.
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